I know, you're shocked already at the title of this post, aren't you. Well, I'm here to tell you, ladies and gentlemen, that Donna is helpful. In fact, I'll explain just how incredibly helpful she can be using the ever popular emailing format. I'll skip on ahead to the good part.
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To: Donna
From: Therese
Subject: You're too late, yo.
I already ate. I'm just gonna work so I can leave sooner.
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To: Therese
From: Donna
Subject: You are not cool enough for me.
I wasn't asking if you had already eaten because I wanted to eat lunch together... I was just stating the obvious because you were emailing me at lunchtime. What makes you think I would want to eat lunch with YOU!!!!
Kidding!
Well. Maybe.
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To: Donna
From: Therese
Subject: Deeply wounded.
I am deeply hurt by your words and will now go jump out the window and kill myself. Which may prove difficult given that I am level with the ground.
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To: Therese
From: Donna
Subject: Suggestions.
I can help you with your suicide problem. Refrain from doing that, it won't work. This will be better. Go up three flights of stairs, find the closest window and then jump. You will find you are much more successful.
Or if you are looking for a more slow, painful way to leave this world, you could try numerous things:
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To: Donna
From: Therese
Subject: You're too late, yo.
I already ate. I'm just gonna work so I can leave sooner.
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To: Therese
From: Donna
Subject: You are not cool enough for me.
I wasn't asking if you had already eaten because I wanted to eat lunch together... I was just stating the obvious because you were emailing me at lunchtime. What makes you think I would want to eat lunch with YOU!!!!
Kidding!
Well. Maybe.
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To: Donna
From: Therese
Subject: Deeply wounded.
I am deeply hurt by your words and will now go jump out the window and kill myself. Which may prove difficult given that I am level with the ground.
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To: Therese
From: Donna
Subject: Suggestions.
I can help you with your suicide problem. Refrain from doing that, it won't work. This will be better. Go up three flights of stairs, find the closest window and then jump. You will find you are much more successful.
Or if you are looking for a more slow, painful way to leave this world, you could try numerous things:
- Go to the chemical stores in DLG's office and drink some unknown unlabelled substance. Or something with a corrosive, flammable, or toxic symbol on it. See what happens. Go with the flow. Don't fight it.
- Go to the machine shop, use several large pieces of industrial equipment (ie. torch, metric saw, machine press, etc.) Experiment on various parts of the body. Have fun with it.
- Go to the nuclear lab on A level. Open up sources of radiation and dance around. Try interpretive dance, then use a wrench to loosen some fittings on a loop that is under high pressure and temperature. Make sure to get you face directly in front of the pipe line. It's like getting a facial.
And you're welcome. I am always here to make productive suggestions when in need.
Donna
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Unrelated to the above, but interestingly enough, today is International Ball Dropping Day. No no, really, it's true. Ask Jamie.
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11 clever comments:
Ahhh Donna, always so discriptive when it comes to sharp or maiming objects...lol
For the record, I think you'd have to jump from more than the 3rd floor to ensure death. You'd probably have to jump 5 or 6 times from the third floor before you died. And that would suck.
I second what miss jay said.
And, I never knew just how helpful Donna could be. I mean, the second option is just perfect.
yeah, but it would be funny watching you make each journey back to the 3rd floor. i'm just sayin'...
i'm glad your friends are so helpful. seriously. if a friend will help you plan your death, then... she will be a friend till the end. heh.
Donna could just come work at my office. It's death, slow, but ensured. Don't tell my coworkers I said that though.
Your new profile pic is fantastic.
If I wasn't already stalking you, I'd start. :)
And you know all about it, Krystle.
I'll have to agree with that, Miss Jay. Donna's only willing to help someone who's gonna help herself though, so you know. (apologetic shrug)
Lisslo, you're really gonna have to third it cause I seconded it first, albeit retroactively. Donna's got great ideas.
Maybe, FF, but it would prolly get messy around the 4th trip. You know. Clawing your way back up each time a bloodier mess and... when did this get so graphic? Of course she'll be my friend til the end; she'll be the instrument of my demise, I'm sure of it.
Oh BabyJewels, I'm not sure your office people could handle Donna. She's... well, there are no words, really. She's... unavoidably entertaining. And I won't tell your coworkers anything they haven't already read in the weekly newsletter I send them.
Lisslo... well. (blushes) You know.
Hmm...
Have you tried chewing broken glas? It might work too!
Dufel, I know what you're thinking.
Haven't tried chewing broken glass, Gurgo. No. But I'll just add it right to the list, shall I?
This made me hungry...until the talking about jumping out windows and toxic burns...but before that, it made me hungry. Mmmm yum I like toxic waste.
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